Less than a minute from where I stood, screams were drowned out by music and laughter.
I won’t go into any more detail that you can’t find on the news yourself.
It’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Terrible, horrifying shit happens for no reason at all. Senseless tragedy occurs and it just leaves you speechless and empty and broken. Even I felt confusion in my deepest depths when there wasn’t an apparent reason or person at fault — nothing to point fingers at and blame.
I can’t even imagine how the parents and loved ones of those who passed feel. I get sick to the stomach seeing the videos of the parents of innocent children collapsing to the floor after hearing the news.
I didn’t need to be near the incident to be traumatized. I couldn’t even have a moment’s peace without seeing the images playing back repeatedly in my head.
I was across the street in a bar in Itaewon when it happened. I was with a big group of friends less than a minute’s walk away, laughing and dancing.
I feel guilty for having led people through that very same alley just hours before it happened. I feel shame for getting annoyed at how crowded it was and how slowly people were walking. I held up my Halloween costume prop so my friends could see and I led them quickly out to the other side, shaking my head and deciding that getting through the crowd to see the main street wasn’t worth it.
Not only could we have been victims, but I could have been part of the problem.
I’ve already heard “luck” or “God” or “the universe” was on our side, but it’s damn near insulting to hear that. What about the people that weren’t lucky? God didn’t care? The universe didn’t choose them?
It was just something that happened. The way things happen anywhere. There’s no pattern or rhyme or reason. It’s a rock falling off a cliff.
I don’t want to hear that I was lucky.
Horror happens around the world on a daily basis. Ukraine, Covid, Uvalde. Some of those things already feel like it’s been years since they happened. The very next day after Itaewon, a bridge collapsed in India killing over a hundred women, children, and elderly citizens.
Fortunately, most people are far, far away from these realities and horrors, and I hope no one ever has to go through that at any point in their lives.
But the click-and-scroll headline culture does make you numb to it. It becomes nothing more than something you tsk tsk tsk at as you shake your head and scroll to the next story. A week later, it’s old news.
For those that are cities, countries, or continents away, everyone knows it but doesn’t really expend extra energy to think about it. And I understand that.
I think that’s how it should be. It’s not natural to grieve every day and night. At no other point in history has a human being been able to intake so much God damn bad news every single minute of the day.
But just know that it was the same people as you. Dressing up in costumes. Meeting friends they finally had time to see after months of busyness. Trying to find a night of solace with their loved ones after weeks of studying or working. A reunion between college buddies. A simple date night out with their significant other.
It was anybody.
When I started writing this, it was the day after and I and many others didn’t know which way was up. It was like spinning wildly underwater. People sending messages asking what happened. Not knowing if it was even okay to smile or feel okay or be grateful to be alive.
After a week I felt a bit better. I went radio silent and bottled it up, but I still felt unsettled.
On the way back from work across the city, I felt the sudden urge to go back to Itaewon to pay my respects. I had to transfer three times on the subway, from the pink line to the purple line to the brown line.
I remember the second I stepped out of the purple line and saw the sign for the brown line, my heart started pumping out of my chest. It was scary returning.
But I went and paid my respects. I laid a flower and left a note with hundreds of others at the memorial in silence.
I looked around. I couldn’t help but replay the scenario over and over.
Why wasn’t it me?
Because I found a place to drink before they did?
Because I didn’t get tired of the bar I was at?
Because I didn’t have a friend I had to meet outside?
Because I didn’t feel like seeing everyone’s costumes on the main street?
Such arbitrary and meaningless factors decided something so precious for so, so, so many people.
They weren’t bad decisions or good decisions.
Just arbitrary rocks off an arbitrary cliff.
The city had deeply heavy energy in the days following the incident. But you gradually saw signs of happiness and hope. Hearing some kids laughing in the park. Students talking on the way home from school. Playoff baseball resumed.
The weather, as always, acts with an ironic mind of its own, displaying the most beautiful, clear autumn sky accented by colorful yellow, orange, red, and brown leaves.
The world keeps turning.
I and many others won’t forget it anytime soon, though.
Personally, the biggest thing I realized is how petty everything I’ve been worrying about recently is.
Tiny. Miniscule. Unimportant.
And a part of me always knows that all of my worries and frustrations are insignificant and stupid, which is the worst part.
Sometimes I think if we go too long without a stern reminder, human beings just need something to worry about, even if there’s nothing worth worrying about.
The stuff I let live in my mind rent-free nowadays is so fucking dumb compared to the things that really matter in life.
I hate that I need something so catastrophic to get a wake-up call.
Life is so fucking fragile. Human bodies are so fragile.
Take care of yourself and your loved ones. Be hyper-aware of your surroundings. Enjoy the little things. Know that most of the things that you’re worried about right now don’t matter at all in the grand scheme of things.
And for God’s sake help other people when you can.
We’re ants on a floating rock. Life’s a flower in a storm.
Make sure you grab a hold of what’s important before it’s too late.
It's absolutely heartbreaking, Elliott. Thank you for sharing this and processing your thoughts and grief out loud to share with others.
I can understand why Israel needed a reason for total war now ... instead of a few years in the future when what use to be the U.S. ... is totally gone. BillColeman4SCHdist24@gmail.com